Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We've only got one chair.
I was showing my wife this one. I said, 'Look at this dear.' I always call her dear. She's got antlers growing out of the side of her head.
I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.
There have been times that I have known disappointment, even despair. The public never realised because I was laughing on the outside while I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown.
At the Royal Command Performance 1964, Tommy walks on stage with a heater he says, 'They told me to go out and warm the crowd up.'
A man walked into a bar. Ouch.........It was an iron bar.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. You're ugly as well.'
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
A man is trying to sell his dog. So he stops another man and says, 'Wanna buy a dog? He's very clever look at this.' He throws a stick into the pond and says, 'Fetch that, Rover.' The dog gets up on his hind legs and walks across the water and gets the stick. 'Thats no good to me mate,' said the man. 'He can't swim.'
A man went to the doctor and said, 'I need help urgently. I keep dreaming that women come into my bedroom and I keep pushing them away.' The doctor said, 'What do you want me to do?'And the man said, 'Cut my arms off.'
A woman phoned her husband and said, 'The carburettor is full of water.' 'Where's the car?' the man said. 'In the river,' she replied.
I went to the doctor the other day, I said I've broke my leg in three places. He said, 'Don't go to those places.'
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. 'Doctor what can you give me?' The man says. 'A hard boiled egg,' says the doctor.
I got into this taxi and I said to the driver, 'King Arthur's Close.' And the driver said, 'Don't worry Tommy, I'll shake him off at the first corner.'
This Irish man backed this horse on a ten pence accumulator and it won thousands and thousands of pounds. He went to the bookmaker who said, 'I'm not a very big bookmaker, I'm not one of the top line bookmakers, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give you a thousand pound each week and we'll go on like that.' The Irish man said, 'I'm not having that give me my ten pence back.'
A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.
I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.
I hurt my arm. I went to the Doctors to get it mended. After, I asked the Doctor if when its mended could I play the piano? He said yes. I said, 'That's funny I couldn't play it before.'
I said, 'waiter, what's that in my soup?' he said, 'I'd better call the boss, I can't tell one insect from another.'
Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, 'How do you feel tonight?' I said, 'A bit funny' - 'Well get out there before it wears off.'
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir' I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says, 'My chips are too hot.'
Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.
I'm reading a book called 'Sex Before 20'. Personally I don't like audiences.
I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said, 'You take the engine, I`ll take the wheels!'
I went into the bank today. I said, 'Could you check my balance?' - They pushed me over!
I bought this budgie...I went to a pet shop and bought him a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a little plank to walk on, a bath.....Then, a few days later I found him lying on his back, gasping! I said, 'little Budgie, please don`t die! I bought you a cage, a mirror, a ladder, a bell, a string and ball, a plank to walk on, a bath....I bought you everything that money can buy......Don`t do this to me, don`t die!!!! Why are you lying on your back?' Then the budgie looked up at and croaked his final croak....'That pet shop where you bought the cage, the mirror, the string and ball, the bell, the ladder, the bath,' my mate asks, 'Was there any food there?'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?' She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday.' 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
A man goes into a pet shop - He says, 'I'd like to buy a wasp please.' The shopkeeper says, 'Sorry Sir, but we don't sell wasps.' Man says, 'But you've got one in the window!!'
A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, 'we have a drink named after you.' The horse says, 'what? Eric?'
I got on a train the other day and sat next to a young woman reading a book called Sex Statistics. 'Any good?' I asked. 'Fascinating. American Indians have the widest manhood and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi', I replied, 'I'm Tonto Polanski.'
My back is killing me. I've strained it. I was playing piggy-back, with my little boy, and I fell off.